Waffle
(I’m trying a bit of an experiment at the mo. I’m attempting to write blog posts using dictation app Otter. I am also making the audio available which is below, so you can listen, or read, or both :))
This was recorded on 24th September but has only been posted now in October as I was struggling with COVID.
JONI: Hello again everyone, I am walking again. The weather is actually quite nice this morning. It's getting a little chillier.
But it's still… still quite sunny! Yesterday it was really rainy. I don't mind the rain too much, but yeah, it's just nice to walk through, sort of, like this lovely wooded area, which is where I usually take my dog Dug. And it's just very peaceful. Very peaceful until I have-to until I have to call Dug because he likes to drink out of puddles. I call it puppy squash.
Anyway - And I think there's a lot of squirrels about as well which he is searching for and chasing. But he never get to them. So that's okay.
I don't really know what direction this is going to go in. When I've started these before, I've always had a bit of a clearer idea of what I want to talk about. But yeah, I'm less clear today. I haven't been feeling very well. And then on Thursday, I tested positive for COVID. I test very regularly because of the work that I do in hospitals. And yeah, so I got a very, very faint line, which was a relief in a way because I have been feeling tired. And I was getting very grumpy about feeling tired. And then I saw that positive test and I went “Oh, okay. Well, they there's - there's the - there's the reason.” Hang on. My dog is…. there we go.
*Sound of Dug running towards Joni. The tags on his collar are tinkling*
Here he comes. *Dug panting* There's some dog noise for you!
DUG: Woof woof!
JONI: Yes! On you go!
Good boy! Um, so yes, I don't really know what I want to talk about, but I -I feel like I have managed to do one of these dictated blogs once a week and this will be the third one that I've done. And there was just part of me that's thinking, you know, you've got a good thing going on? *Laughs* There's something - Something is happening here. Like I'm still trying to figure out what I'm wanting to use these for. I'm trying to figure out how best to present them. And yeah, I don't know exactly what they are. But I feel like if I do it a third time, then it is - it's more of a thing. And if I've managed to do it once a week then this - it's a start-
DUG: Woof!
JONI: - of something. (To Dug) I know!
DUG: Woof woof!
JONI: …there's just this particular bit on our walk, where he- he gets a bit barky so we'll see.
It's interesting this week. It's been a bit of a -
(AUDIO CUTS OUT)
JONI: So, the dictation app that I use crashed, but I think it's okay. I think I caught it very quickly. Before I started really getting into, I guess, a groove of things.
Anyway, trying to think what I was talking about.
Yeah, it's been a it's been an interesting week. Most of my weeks are interesting because they're always so different. But I think, yeah, this was a tricky week. I had some rejections for proposals and pitches that I've done. Which is understandable. That is just part of working through career of things and…
but yeah, by- by which I mean you know, it is just part of a creative career.
(So I'm slightly distracted because there's some music coming from afar and I don't know what that is. And I'm far too tired to go see what it is. So I'm just gonna leave that as a little mystery. )
Yeah, so a part of forging, part of working through, part of the journey of a career is - and a creative career in particular - is rejection. So I think I've handled it quite well, this week. I can understand that- that happens. I won't get every opportunity I want, even if I think they are really cool. And I think that my ideas are good, which I think is maybe what has been quite different from other times where I've had rejections. Is I've not questioned my work or at least have not questioned the- the ideas you know, which I think, yeah, it's very different to other times when I have really thought to myself, “Well, should I be doing this? If I've got this rejection? They don't like my work. Why should I like my work?” You know, I think all of the, sort of, impostor syndrome and self criticism, I think, does come again, through rejection through having a creative career. But this time, I, sort of… Yeah, I sort of stood up for my ideas. I stood up for my creativity, which I think is really vital, particularly as I feel, in some areas of my practice, I'm, sort of, I feel like I'm starting again. I'm starting to really try and push myself. I'm just - I'm trying to… I don’t think reclaim as the word, but, sort of, step back into my practice, step back into the things that I love and enjoy,
Hang on! Sorry, Dug was drinking a puddle.
But yeah, just, sort of, retread some ground. I feel like I've, sort of, went off a path and I'm trying to get back onto the path. But luckily, I guess, from having, I guess, that diversion…
(and speaking of diversions, I am going to go see where that music is coming from)
But yeah, having… taking time to work on my mental health because I had to, because I went through a very difficult time and was very unwell with anxiety and taking that time to build up myself again. You know, really prioritising myself and self care and looking after myself. Coming back onto the path of theatre making, I guess, has - has really helped when I have faced that rejection. I kind of, yes, stood- stood up for my ideas and embraced that side of myself and went, “Okay, it just wasn't - it wasn't for us this time”
And I don't think I would have learned that if I hadn't prioritised myself. Anyway, I'm really going on a bit of a tangent. But I guess what, what instead I started to think about is how- how I talk about my work, particularly in an interview setting, and particularly in a pitch setting. When I don't know the questions I'm going to get asked? Yeah, I feel like sometimes, I'm not very good at explaining my work. I may be slightly better when I've got time to think about it or when I write it down. And maybe, maybe I will figure it out the more that I, sort of, talk through it, but in a very sort of time pressured situation. I'm not very good at explaining who I am and what my work is.
(So I'm getting closer and closer. Oh, oh, it's like a straight up festival. I have never seen - I've never seen that field being used that way. Interesting. Anyway, it's not the music for me. I don’t think so! So I'm gonna go the other way. It just wasn't for me. *Laughs*)
But yeah, so.
Yeah, I feel like I'm not always the best at talking about my work. And to be honest, I still am not sure exactly what I do. I guess I've been exploring lots of different things and maybe sometimes going down paths that aren't working for me. But I guess that is how you get a bit of clarity, sometimes on what you really want to do.
But anyway, I think one of the most difficult (to think) things is that I genuinely find social situations quite tricky. I still have a lot of social anxiety and I'm really trying to - recently I've been trying to get to grips with what that feeling is and what that anxiety is, as well. And I know *Laugh* that a big thing is- is feeling that I'm not very good at explaining things. That I don't want to be misunderstood … that I'm not concise. When you ask me a question, you're probably gonna get five answers. Each that take a minute to explain. You know, you ask me a question. And I get all the answers in my head. And I'm not always good at prioritising them *Laughs* and all of them seem really important.
And yeah, I guess I've had a lot of anxiety about that this week. You know, I've been thinking about it for a while. And I think particularly after receiving a few rejections, that's what I've been thinking about, not necessarily the quality of my work, but the quality of how I can talk about it. And the quality of my networking *Laughs despairingly*. The quality of me seeming confident and cool - because I'm very uncool! *Laughs* When I'm talking about things but I'm really trying to lean into it. You know, because I don't think it's something that I can change. To be honest - because I've tried, and I know it's been - it's been something that I've a I have struggled with. I've often been told that I waffle - and maybe this is what this is! *Laughs* This is waffle! And I don't know how good it is. I don't know how much it communicates. But I think it's the only way I know how to communicate. That's the only way that I can communicate is through waffle. And maybe through the waffle, you sometimes get a bit of- a bit of something, a bit of good. A chocolate chip! Like a really good chocolate chip! Not even sure whether waffling, as in talking too much, and waffles, as a really lovely breakfast treat, come from the same place. But I'm smushing -smushing the waffles together!
Yeah, I guess I'm trying to lean into it. I'm trying to just accept that this- this is how I communicate. And maybe the more that I do lean into it, the more that I can start to hone it and I guess that is part of this little experiment, is to see what can come from embracing how I communicate. Cos I honestly can't change it! Like this is gonna be it guys! If you're listening to this, if you're reading this if you're doing both at the same time, it's always going to be waffling!
And I guess that's where my creativity lives. And where it resides, is that if you ask me a question, I will give you several answers. And I'll talk about the same thing and again, and again and again-
Which is another thing that people will say about me, is I will say the same thing twice, in slightly different ways. But that's because I'm trying to find the right way to talk about something. It's because I'm trying to hone it. As I talk.
And as I talk, I am processing and thinking about the answer and- and the question and looking at it from different angles. I'm not- I'm just not a one angle. kind of guy. I am multi- multi angled, I guess. I am a dodecahedron… I'm not even sure how many sides that is on a shape, but I know it's a lot. And it's fun to say.
So, yeah, even though I have had those rejections, even though there's a part of me that's a bit sad and a bit worried about how I talk about things. Whether I'm able to talk about my… talk about my work and talk about my ideas, which… what’s the word…which bigs them up, which… I can't remember! And I've been saying it all week. That I don't *Laughs* - I don't give my ideas, the words deserved. I don't give them the conciseness that sometimes they need… but I don't know how else to do it. So let's lean on it- it into it! Accept that side of me. And yeah, I guess see where this goes. And if you think it needs to change, tell me. If this is all rambly, tell me, you know. It's a dialogue, even though I'm the one waffling. Anyway, I think I'm going to leave it there because it's probably going on for too long.
Oh, God. I was like, I'll do 10 minutes and no it is 15. Oh *Laughs* you know, good luck to you if you've managed to listen to all of this and I thank you. I thank you very much. Anyway, take care! And I hope you have a lovely day!
Transcribed by https://otter.ai