Day 96/7



A good couple of days of warm weather and goodness, seeing friends and seeing family and wholesome work.

My sleep gone a wee bit funny again so Im going to see what I can do to settle my brain back down in the middle of the night.

I have been offered a course in Low Self Esteem from my local wellbeing service. Im not sure what it entails apart from meeting and maybe working in a group. Ive always done one-to-one work with my talking therapy so this will be very different to what Ive been used to. But I think its worth trying something different and maybe this will shake my recovery up a bit.

Keeping a track of my recovery this year has really allowed me to notice just how my Low self esteem effects my day to day even when those days are good. It effects my relationships and how I perceive them (that no one would really like me for so long), my work and how I pursue it (that it’s crap and I shouldn’t be bothering) and how I see myself (worthless and ugly for good measure)

Usually I can break through it and notice when Im feeling down on myself but its also hard to work through when it crops up a lot. Maybe my brain is right when its telling me this all the time? Maybe there is something wrong with me?

I see it in my decisions, what scares me and how I speak about myself. I can see putting myself down and self deprecation is not endearing, is becoming boring and has become both a crutch and a mini cry for help.

Im 28 and I really want to be happy with myself and not find my worth through what I think people think of me or the work opportunities I get or my weight.

But from me being happy with me especially when Im anxious.

So Im nervous to be put in a group with fellow self-putting-down people but more because Im sure I’ll spend most of it thinking nobody likes me 🙄

But at least I know what I want to change