Joni-Rae Carrack
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365 Days of Recovery

Day 65 & 66

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I am struggling a bit to get my thoughts from my head down into words but I’ll give it my best shot!

I’ll never quite get why I can have such lovely things happen, working on a beautiful show, having fun, having my puppetry complimented (And puppeteering this dog is a dream!) being with friends, doing stuff I love and working hard for it.

And yet I can still feel like such a loser :/ I was actually so disappointed to feel so up during the day and then crash down in the evening. 
I dont know where that feeling came from.
Mind you, I may well have to put this down to good old hormones. I know I can catch these thoughts, but sometimes it can be hard. Sometimes things feel very black and white. Either Im doing great or doing bad and theres not much in between. 
But again, this is the good thing about this series of posts, cos its giving me a chance to really reflect, track and acknowledge. And I can really see I can do more to help myself and be kind to myself. 
Today I had a lovely afternoon with one of my best friends and I felt so picked up after feeling so rubbish the evening before. 
But I also caught myself putting myself down, mostly self deprecating trying to be funny. 
But why? Why do I find such humour in criticising myself? Is that fair? Is it funny? Would I want to laugh at those jokes if my friend said them to me. Or would I see the insecurity there? Its not hard to find.

So new challenge for myself, try not to put myself down either directly or in a joke and just see what happens. 
Will I feel better when Im not the butt of my own jokes?

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