Ah man Im way behind on this.
Its not been too good. Not horrendous but not good.
Was supposed to go out to a party and was ready and hadn’t even thought of it too much. But when it came to leaving I just couldnt. Hundreds of what ifs went through my head, I could imagine myself in negative situations so clearly I could feel my skin prickling. I tried to challenge my thoughts but every time I step towards the door, the what ifs would come crashing back. So I didnt go. And I felt deflated and defeated.
It may be small and in the grand scheme of things it is just one evening amongst thousands Ive gone through and thousands I can look forward to. But I was reminded of hard times when I was constantly scared of leaving the house. These days add up and they just weigh heavy on the soul.
I hate being flaky or non-committal. I really hate not being able to leave the house cos my heads badgering me.
Somedays you dont have the luxury of a doo-over. You cant always try something again.
Because I want to have fun.
And I would like people to think I am fun. But maybe Im not cos my head feels it is only safe when its inside at home, when its stuck in the core of my comfort zone.
A lot of stuff came crashing down in my head after that anxiety attack. That “this is the reason people dont like you” or “this is why you’re a failure” or “how can you build a career if you're like this?”
Its hard. I want to be better than that, because I hope I am better than that.
Cos I dont want to disappear into my house. Because thats how I lived for years of my life. Ive worked so hard and pushed and challenged not to be that. But I still have to fight that part of my brain apparently. It’s disappointing and disheartening.
Im sorry it I ever flake out on you, or dont show up or nextwork. Its so not what I wish I was like.
Will pick myself up but Im feeling quite crappy about myself.