Ive got a confession to make. When I was unwell, clouded by anxiety and a smidge of depression I found it really hard to see other people’s happiness. I would see something on social media or hear it from them themselves and I would get this plunging sensation in my stomach. Even worse was if I knew people who had been struggling like me and I could see them recovering or making achievements I felt I lacked I felt it too. Maybe even stronger.
I was starting to see this jealousy as a real problem. Was I just this awful person that couldnt be happy for anyone who I compared myself too? Even the smallest things were starting to bother me.
But this week I have felt I have been taking some very positive steps and I am starting to feel actually happy. And then I saw, of course on social media, people achieving great things and I was happy for them.
I didnt feel this horrible stab in my own self worth but a flutter of happiness for something beautiful happening.
So I realise, it wasnt that I was incapable of being happy for other people. I was just struggling to be happy at all. So as the happiness starts to warm up inside me, its starting to bubble away for all sort of things. When I saw good things happening to other people the unhappy part of me used it to fuel the unhappiness I was feeling. It was proof that I didnt deserve those things, it was evidence of my own flaws. I was the reason I was unhappy.
And I can recognise now that my feeling better is not proof of anyone else being lesser or in a lesser position. It is all my own response to my situation. I hope I remember if I ever start feeling rubbish again
I can only hope that if the unhappy fueled the unhappy this happiness Im starting to feel can be fueled by other people’s happiness too.
This is my little challenge to myself to really notice and nurture these more positive feelings.