Day 96/7

IMAGE.JPG

 

A good couple of days of warm weather and goodness, seeing friends and seeing family and wholesome work.

My sleep gone a wee bit funny again so Im going to see what I can do to settle my brain back down in the middle of the night.


I have been offered a course in Low Self Esteem from my local wellbeing service. Im not sure what it entails apart from meeting and maybe working in a group. Ive always done one-to-one work with my talking therapy so this will be very different to what Ive been used to. But I think its worth trying something different and maybe this will shake my recovery up a bit.

Keeping a track of my recovery this year has really allowed me to notice just how my Low self esteem effects my day to day even when those days are good. It effects my relationships and how I perceive them (that no one would really like me for so long), my work and how I pursue it (that it’s crap and I shouldn’t be bothering) and how I see myself (worthless and ugly for good measure)

Usually I can break through it and notice when Im feeling down on myself but its also hard to work through when it crops up a lot. Maybe my brain is right when its telling me this all the time? Maybe there is something wrong with me?

I see it in my decisions, what scares me and how I speak about myself. I can see putting myself down and self deprecation is not endearing, is becoming boring and has become both a crutch and a mini cry for help.


Im 28 and I really want to be happy with myself and not find my worth through what I think people think of me or the work opportunities I get or my weight.

But from me being happy with me especially when Im anxious.


So Im nervous to be put in a group with fellow self-putting-down people but more because Im sure I’ll spend most of it thinking nobody likes me 🙄

But at least I know what I want to change

Day 94/5

IMAGE.JPG

 

I stayed up way past my bedtime last night (for fun stuff!) and now suffering the tired. Problem is I have a wee pup to feed in the morning so there is no lie in for me or I would feel guilty leaving him hungry. And he was a starved scrap when we got him so I know hes been left hungry before!

So the potential guilt out weighs my sleep! But yeah Im being reminded that while annoying sometimes my sleep patterns are so essential for my mental health. Luckily its Sunday so it’s been a soft gentle day.

Have been trying to reconnect with the good things in life and put effort into the things that make me feel happy. Even though Ive been tired Im making a renewed effort to do the things I like. The Brighton Fringe has given me a huge boost with this as Ive been easily able to indulge in some theatre (great and not so great!) Ive also tried to cook more at home or go out for really good food instead of deliveroo-ing stuff in. Basically Ive been trying to get out of the house more for myself, instead of only leaving to take the dog for a walk or go to my office.

Its been good, seeing people, feeling nourished even though its been a little tiring

My husband and I also got given a bread maker for free so we have been making bread (really delicious bread) and thinking of some recipes we want to try. Im really loving this and finding small things to do together.


I dont actually need much to be happy sometimes and I cherish the little things. Sometimes I just have to look more closely for those little things and remind myself they are enough :)

Day 91/92/93

IMAGE.JPG

 

The days have been fairly good. Walking the Dug in the sunshine, trying to balance work and life, seeing lots of shows at the Brighton Fringe (Ive seen shows that have reignited my love of theatre!)


Yesterday was a weird one. Several weeks back I finally took some advice my GP gave me and made self referral to get some local therapy. Its been a while since I first got in contact and things have changed, I am more happy and a bit more in control in how Im thinking and my negative thoughts. However, I decided it was still worth getting some help and extra support so that I am more prepared for the next time I dont feel so well. Its maybe even a better time to do it as Im mentally stronger and more likely to take advice without being cynical about it.

The hardest thing however was going through what my issues have been. My self esteem and self worth has always been something I find difficult to get my head around (I worry about being seen as too confident or deluded) and my physical symptoms (of course fatigue being one of them). It brought up a lot of stuff particularly how I can ended up where I am, asking for more help, even doing this recovery project. Stuff has been hard and my confidence has been knocked. My good mental health always seems a bit fragile.

But it kind of proves that Im doing the right thing even though Ive been mostly happy recently and I had another good day.


Taking the right steps to looking after myself and focusing on the present and a positive future.

Day 77/8/9



Again not much to report. No news is good new here :)
Been feeling good
Colours seem brighter
Im being kinder to muself and others
Been productive
Maybe too much cos Im tired!
I want to fo a proper post soon
But I also want to sleep
So whats it going to be

Day 69



Today has been a big day of procrastination but at least most of my procrastination has been productive. 
Like doing the washing, making breakfast stuff, folding laundry, walking Dug - so procrastiductive? 
All of this of doing something I really want but Im sure Im not good enough for. So theres a big bit of self esteem challenging here :/ but I will get onto it. Eventually.

Also realised that it was I that had made a mistake that meant I didnt get paid for some work I did and not the company. Admitted it immediately and was glad I had kept things light when I had chased then up. Trying not to let it ruin my day or let any “im the worst it was all my fault they’ll never work with me again”. We all make mistakes and Im going to own this one but not let it own me. So today is a good day cos I dealt with that shit well

Day 67



Had a good day. A very good day. Felt pretty happy. Got some productive stuff done. Had some fun. Didnt feel like I was dripping with tiredness

Okay, we can do days like this. Lets see how frequent we can make this happen

Day 57



A better day today, starting off with a long work and a homemade oat bar which lead straight into some creative work (as you may have seen) 
Forgot to take lunch with me and it sure did show. Sometimes I completely forget how important food and energy is especially during particularly focused problem solve-y creative work. 
When Im trying to figure something out I feel both anxiety and creativity. There two sides of the same coin I often think and without one I probably wouldn’t have the other. So I have to take the anxious thoughts with my creative thoughts. And both can be draining and demanding on my energy and effort.

Felt my brain slowing down and my skin felt a bit buzzy like it does before I get overwhelmed or frazzled. I can feel my resources feeling stretched thin and I sometimes forget that a bit of food can be essential. I forget that its not just about satisfying the hunger in my tummy but about boosting my energy. Maybe its cos Ive had many a food coma in the past!
Have got both breakfast and lunch for tomorrow planned so hopefully shouldn’t get the same slump and will be able to continue my paper craft and stickers for tomorrow.